Still…

28 Sep

hating my life. *sigh* Big hand fulls of hair are falling out of my head -daily- I kept thinking it was “bad” shampoo… lol.. geeze, stress? really? Yup.

 

Today I found myself taking a huge deep cleansing breath. It struck me odd that as I breathed in, it felt like I had been crying as the breath staggered its way into my lungs. Weird. I guess that emotional turmoil I feel is “just under the skin” always lingering…. explains the hair loss.

 

I wonder what is normal? Everyone has there problems… I know that, but what is normal? What is it like to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t think your trying to poison the food they eat? I can understand bad cooking lol… but when you get accused of putting actual poison in there food, thats a whole other ball game. One you just can’t fathom. I guess it doesn’t help matters when I replied to the accusation, “Sweetie, if I wanted you dead—- you’d be dead.” I know, I know not the best thing to say to someone who is a paranoid, delusional, schizophrenic— but come on, sometimes you just get pushed to the breaking point and you just have to say something snarky!

 

I do have to monitor what I say…. I just never know what is going to send him off into some kind of delusion. God knows the things he says to me sends me into a spiraling tail spin of feelings of depression. I keep all this to myself, I have no one to talk to about this. The people I do talk to have extremely limited contact with my husband… which is by design. How does someone explain such craziness? So, when I hear of all the “bad” things that there husbands do—- I just sit there giving words of advice all the while wanting to scream out for someone to help me. The reason I don’t? What could anyone do….. nothing, nadda, zip~

 

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