hating my life. *sigh* Big hand fulls of hair are falling out of my head -daily- I kept thinking it was “bad” shampoo… lol.. geeze, stress? really? Yup.
Today I found myself taking a huge deep cleansing breath. It struck me odd that as I breathed in, it felt like I had been crying as the breath staggered its way into my lungs. Weird. I guess that emotional turmoil I feel is “just under the skin” always lingering…. explains the hair loss.
I wonder what is normal? Everyone has there problems… I know that, but what is normal? What is it like to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t think your trying to poison the food they eat? I can understand bad cooking lol… but when you get accused of putting actual poison in there food, thats a whole other ball game. One you just can’t fathom. I guess it doesn’t help matters when I replied to the accusation, “Sweetie, if I wanted you dead—- you’d be dead.” I know, I know not the best thing to say to someone who is a paranoid, delusional, schizophrenic— but come on, sometimes you just get pushed to the breaking point and you just have to say something snarky!
I do have to monitor what I say…. I just never know what is going to send him off into some kind of delusion. God knows the things he says to me sends me into a spiraling tail spin of feelings of depression. I keep all this to myself, I have no one to talk to about this. The people I do talk to have extremely limited contact with my husband… which is by design. How does someone explain such craziness? So, when I hear of all the “bad” things that there husbands do—- I just sit there giving words of advice all the while wanting to scream out for someone to help me. The reason I don’t? What could anyone do….. nothing, nadda, zip~
Geeze, I hate my life. What a sad-sad statement huh? Having to deal with the day to day struggles of trying to cope with my husbands metal issues are literally weighing heavy on my shoulders. So much so that the depression I am feeling is palpable. I can see it— I can feel it…. and if I were to try to describe it, it would feel like a thick cheesecake. A thick, heavy, dense depression. *sigh* There is no “get over it”…. this is how things are. He is a paranoid schizophrenic and ALSO Bipolar…. and I have come to find out lately, he is a hypochondriac. Oh yes… this is his latest “thing” When I bring this up to him, he accuses ME of having munchausen by proxy…. Gawd. What? Are you kidding me…… ?
Oh man….. I need something. A gun? A long walk off of a short pier? I have heard it said that God only gives you as much as you can handle…. but I am pretty sure the person causing all the problems said that— and NOT the person who has to deal with things. I am at a utter loss. There is no hope in sight. ever. I know this, and yet I am always so surprised to find myself suffering through another day of grief. Heaven help me… fast.
Here is the very first post to this blog called, “A Daft Life” That in itself should explain exactly what this blog is going to be about… my unbelievable crazy life. I mean crazy literally— my husband is diagnosed as a bi-polar schizophrenic. I know right? Although he is able to maintain a really good, semi high paying job the daily stresses this puts on me is taking its toll. I overeat to soothe the mixed feelings of this daily trauma this puts on me… and that in turn causes me to gain weight. (who knew? lol) which in turn causes more stress which causes more food to go into my mouth. Eiy-eiy-eiy~
Anywho, welcome to my “venting blog”